Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Words Within

Walking tonight with my earbuds in listening to a Christian radio station, as I do when walking alone, I am also alone in my thoughts and prayers.   So many of the songs, I could have written myself.  Of course, the thought, why didn’t I write that song, as I could be rich crosses my mind but I continue walking remembering all the heartache, the sadness, loneliness and on and on.  1C04A543-34CC-47BE-8F04-3281E986845F  The words are within in my heart but not on paper.  Oh how He knows my name, how He lifts me up and will never let me down.  If we take time, I bet each of us can write a song of the test and trials we have each gone through.  Thankfully the music artists have done just that so we can listen to and feel deep within.  Hope is knowing we are not alone and through each song, somebody experienced pain to get there. Realize you have words within.  While they may not make the billboard or any further than your thoughts, they are your words and the Lord hears and understands them.

I’m Tough!

5C37B256-78F6-4DEF-973E-D24C16AEC912With the past Labor Day holiday, it throws off my counseling appointment, which is on Monday.  Oh how I do not need to miss an appointment as things in life feel so overwhelming.4A65A96C-DAF2-4A5B-BFF2-6989006CF4F8

While I enter my counselors office, sit on her bright-colored loveseat with the door shut, of course, I can feel safe.  While not always easy, I know I have come a long way with her help.  I trust her although at times I must deal with the mental lies that are thrown at me that she, too, will hurt me.  I have voiced that to her as in many things that only her and God know.  That’s trust.  With that, Satan knows how to get my goat due to that fact.  Amazingly, I find that she is aware, it seems of my body posture, facial movements and my breathing, where I do not.  Sometimes I am just amazed.  Most of all thankful to have her in my life.

Making my appointment on her normal day off, her suggestion, I felt bad doing so.  Unbeknownst to her or to me, she became ill prior to my appointment, she had to cancel, so no session.

Even before, contemplating of cancellating myself, I thought to myself that I can make it to the next Monday.  Well, now I will.  Thinking to myself, I’m tough.

In all actuality, I am.  I have been through the years.  What’s a few more days?   I have been through hell, which some have experienced much worse than myself but my journey holds its own.  Some would run or cower with what I’ve dealt with but it was what I have been given to deal with.  I’m still here, although worn and battle scars within.

Even so, while not to the expertise that my counselor has taught me, it was by my faith in God and what knowledge I had to grasp, also gut feelings.  By the Grace of God, He has lead me, directed me and kept me.

When I get down and out and that old depression sneaks in to rip my confidence apart and my faith, I have to remember I am tough.  Tomorrow is another day.

No matter what we go through, the important thing to remember is that you go through.  We are not promised a life free of problems but are told that He will not leave us or forsake us, we can call upon Him.

Search the scriptures and pour yourself into His Word and let Him pour His Love into you.  I’m writing this to remind myself.

I’m tough but odds are, you are tough, too!  We just don’t feel it sometimes.

Trust Him!

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Coffee First!

5423BE40-FAFA-4BFC-9825-475A6700B5D0 Shhhhh….

Don’t talk to me this morning, I’m not ready yet.  To deal with your humming or your morning voice.

Just let me be and pour my coffee to drink in solitude so I can get my act together without yours in my way.

No promises about later, I may need another cup.  Thank goodness, I don’t drink anything stronger than this.

Years of unhappiness as we are strangers under one roof, other wives would run screaming, but here we are.  E27C49BF-C9D9-41F7-BAB4-35721D8C12D4

Another day, another year, I wonder how much coffee I have had to drink.

Pour me another cup of Joe!

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Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.

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Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!

Breakthrough

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Through the years I have noticed that when times or situations get hard and I want to give up, that’s when I need to push harder, as a breakthrough is coming.

Perhaps this is just for me today or you.  I know the last few weeks have been rough but I know to PUSH through the feelings, thoughts and emotions.

The enemy (Satan) wants nothing more than to heep on discouragement, hopelessness, bring discord, etc.  This enables to keep us stuck and remain in the pit of despair.

I know in times past, if I felt a wedge between a friend or acquaintance, I pretty well knew this was happening.  Just yesterday, I stopped a person and flat-out asked if there was something wrong because the last few weeks, the association was not the same.   Stopped this in its tracks. All is well.

Many, many years ago I had the same happen with a lady a church whom I thought was nice and our friendship was growing but that nagging feeling and lies within we’re bother me.   Even back then, I knew to ‘nip it in the bud’ as ole Barney Fife would say.   From that day afterward, our friendship has grown and I would say that she is my true BFF in life.  We may be miles apart but there have been times that she has texted me and say, ‘What’s up Buttercup, I feel something is wrong.’  When one is down, the other lifts the other up.  I would have missed out on this wonderful, sister-like friendship if I would have let the lies deteriorate this relationship.

97392048-5BAA-4FCE-A91B-98EF954E3612Noticing tension with my Counselor and I at times, this has been a true and obvious sign that a breakthrough is coming.  When I feel I have had enough, cannot take anymore, want to quit, I have dig my heels in and I do continue.  I know a breakthrough is near.  Odds are, she does also.

Even with walking/exercise and lack of weight loss, the scale is not moving, discouragement comes and the lies come, just give up.  Don’t you dare!   As the quote goes, unless you faint, throw up or die, keep moving forward.  A breakthrough will happen.  11FF8DB3-BAB0-4734-8622-3E4A10823669

So when you feel like    giving up on yourself, with another, a situation, weight loss, etc., keep moving forward.  You’ll be glad you did.  Victory!

Trust Him!